Jacob and the Big Bang
by Maliha R Pattinson
Summary: What happens when most of the Cullens are away and Jacob is left in charge? Hilarity ensues, and it includes a scheme plotting Edward,a desperate for alone time Rosalie and Emmett, a clueless Bella, and Jacob well, being Jacob. Post Breaking Dawn.


So I wrote this a while ago, and I'm not sure how great it is but I decided to post it anyway. Just having some fun at Jacobs expense. Please Read, and Review if you like it. I don't own Twilight, and thank God for that, Stephenie Meyer is beast.

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**Jacob and the big bang**

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"OK Jake you have all the numbers, a list of things to do with Renesmee, and a list of chores to do around the house. So your all set." Bella repeated for what seemed like the billionth time, she should know that when it came to leaving Nessie with me, she had nothing to worry about. "You sure you can handle it pup?" Edward asked in a rather sarcastic but _not funny_ tone. I'm sure all of this was hilarious to him, I was like their own personal nanny, its not like I minded though….it just wasn't that funny when he ordered a maid uniform for me last week that had a little tale hole in the back of it. He laughed at what I was thinking and I snapped back. " I think I can manage for a few days, besides Nessie will help." " What ever dog, just don't bring your other, uh_ friends_ over, I hate when we have to spray for fleas all the time." "Ohh that's _Hilarious_." Though It was true, god stupid Quil is such a baby! He was so embarrassed that he made _me_ call the vets office to ask about _frontline plus……_ " but c'mon you gotta admit, isn't that the _funniest_ shit you've ever heard!" "Oh and by the way Jake could you turn it down just a tad on the cursing, you've really rubbed off on Renesmee, I'd really appreciate it if she didn't know more of those words than I did." Bella spat out the words so that I felt guilty. " I'll see what I can do" When they were walking out the door Edward was talking to Alice on the phone. Where ever Edward and Bella were going the rest of the vamps, with the exception of Blondie and Emmett had already arrived. Though I knew it didn't make a difference I was sort of relieved that Bella and her bloodsucker weren't going somewhere alone to do god knows what, even thought I knew it shouldn't bother me the thought made me tremble….god the way Bella looks these days….those lips, that body……. As I started to drift off into my favorite fantasy world I got a grip, I started chanting to myself, _c'mon Jacob keep it in your pants_! I thanked god that Edward was still on the phone with Alice so that I could contain my thoughts before he caught a glimpse of them. I knew he wouldn't do anything though cause we made a pact, as long as I didn't act on any of my brilliant thoughts he couldn't control what was going on in my brain. I should give the poor guy a break though….._ha that was a funny one, ima funny one_. When my head finally came back into play Edward started laughing out loud. "What's so funny?" Bella asked in surprise. Had Edward heard my little personal thoughts, if he did I was screwed. " Nothing love, you know how funny Alice can be." "Hm" Bella muttered giving up. "Oh Jacob.." vamp Number one said in a casual tone, that was almost too warm…ugh creepy. " Yeah Edward?" "I really hope you enjoy your weekend, I almost wish I could stay and observe." _ugh ever creepier_. "………Kay…" was all I could think of saying. "uh you guys have fun." I finished off with and they were out of site.  
" G4, yay I sunk your battle ship" Renesmee screamed out in joy. Ugh, that's the third time she's beat me tonight. On their own accord my hands started to shake. "hah" Renesmee gasped out in anger. "awww Jakie I'm gonna tell mommy on you! Now didn't you learn anything last week?!?" Uh I was trying hard to forget, last week Nessie and Bella dragged me to this pointless meditating class…..or was it yoga? Aw never mind, I didn't want to remember. In a nutshell it did not go very well, lets just say that the yoga mat was asking for it. Nessie is just mad because after that stunt I pulled they denied her membership, she still hasn't gotten over it. " OK Nessie I'm sorry, _yay you're the winner! I am not worthy_" " Hah yay I'm the bestest'….. Renesmee yawned on the last word and I interjected. " OK on that note I think we should get you to bed. I promised your mom and dad that as long as I was house sitting I would make sure you got all the sleep you needed. "Aw but uncle Jake whose gonna tell on us Emmett and Rosalie!?!? She groaned. " Nessie I know Emmett wouldn't say anything, but you know how Rose can be, remember what I taught you?……. "Rosalie da big blond party pooper!" " You got it kid, so c'mon do it for me…. "Fine" "at a girl" I tucked Nessie in a read her some of her favorite book " _Much Ado About Nothing_" I cut our little reading session short, I hate when she makes fun of me for miss pronouncing some of the words! I was flipping through the channels on the Cullen's massive wide screen around midnight when I heard a large thump, loud bang, and then a shriek as something- I'm guessing it was glass hit against the hard wood floor. Before I could think about anything else I yelled "RENESMEE" and headed for the large staircase. All I could think about was what I was going to do to whoever barged in there and had the idea of…… I couldn't even think the thought. Without taking another breath I kicked my foot up and broke the first door to the left in to pieces and ran through the scrapes. That was when I completely lost my breath, there in the middle of the room on what im guessing used to be a bed were  
Rosalie and Emmett starring up and me In what was either horror, disgust , or rage…….I'm thinking it was the last one. Before I could blink twice Blondie was up, back in her scraps of clothing and charging towards me screaming "YOUR SO DEAD MONGREL!" in that instant I could almost swear that her honey eyes were lined with fire and though I couldn't get the words out, in my head I was screaming-no almost crying _"OH SHIT,SHIT,SHIT, WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS TYPE OF DEATH? MAN I WONDER IF ILL EVEN GET A FUNERAL, IF BLONDIE HAS IT HER WAY ILL PROBABLY BE BURNED ALIVE IN MY CASKET, DAMN I GUESS ITS MY FAULT FOR BEING SUCH A DICK FOR A GOOD PORTION OF MY TEENS, BUT OTHER THAN BEING A JERK TO BELLA WHAT HAVE I REALLY DONE THAT'S CONSIDERED HORRIBLE! THE MOST I'VE EVER STOLEN IS A COUPLE PORNO'S- BUT THEY WEREN'T JUST FOR MY PERVERTED BENEFIT QUIL AND EMBRY HAD A PRETTY GOOD LOOK AT THEM, GOD I DON'T DESERVE THIS EXORCISM OF A WOMEN TO KILL ME! IM STILL A VIRGIN FOR CHRIST SAKE!!! OH GOD IM COMIN MOM!!! _I'm guessing my inner monologue only took a second or two because in the next instant Blondie sprang at me with some sort of blunt object, it was either a chair, a lamp-light bulb included, the desk drawer, the desk, or maybe just her head. In the next second I blacked out and all I heard was the fall from my freakishly tall body to the ground! _awe woooow pretty colors………………  
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I started to resurface and I could hear voices around me…..hmmm so this is hell, oh who was I kidding I know I'm not dead because that would be to easy of a way for me to die, Blondie probably wants me to suffer a lot more. As things start coming into focus I hear Emmett's voice. "Babe c'mon s'okay, poor kids probably lots his memory for all we know, by the way sweet head but baby." "Emmett that's not the point, I am going to kill that little punk ass virgin werewolf . God no ones ever walked in on us before who knows how it looked." Ugh, even her voice makes me cringe, I think many people in this household would agree that the best place for her would be a white room with padded walls….. Hmm, I should really look into this, do a little Google-ling… " Well we were in a pretty compromising position which I'm quite proud of, just thought I'd put that in there." _gags_ "Oh my god Emmett! Are you listening to me at all?? Don't you know what's going to happen?!?" "…….uh idk the kid will realize that he's an even bigger loser than he thought he was cause he's never gonna get any action like that?" "Emmett it's probably burned into his memory so when Edward gets back he'll read his mind, then Edward will tell everyone else!" "Aw c'mon babe Edwards not gonna do that." "Emmett are you that dull? Don't you remember what we did to him and Bella?…… "oh yeah… the collapsing bed thing, now that was hilarious!…..oh... I see your point." "Emmett, you know what has to be done now, don't you?" "Totally…….wait um babe were not gonna kill the wolf are we? Because I'm not really sure about-" "NO EMMETT…….why did you want to….. "NO I was just thinking… did you want to?…… " hah no umm course not……umm no….we ah couldn't, shouldn't…… "K babe I have a plan I'll talk to the kid and force the thoughts out of his mind, promise." "Oh Emmy wemmy! You are the smartest person I've ever met. God your so… so sexy when your being smart." "And your so, so sexy when your planning murder missions." "Awwww baby"**

I was in the kitchen forcing my eye lids to stay open when Emmett walked into view. "Um hey kid" I nodded and looked down, _how thoughtful he decided to put some clothes on_. " So uh sorry you had to see that, and about your head, she gets a little feisty when she's angry, and when she's well this other thing…" He cleared his throat, ow god would the agony ever stop! " Anyway I think I know what this is really about ." I looked at him as confusingly as I felt. "What are you talking about?" "Dude don't be embarrassed, you want to learn how to score its nothing to be ashamed of…..for you anyway" What the hell was he talking about, ok sure I'm a virgin but that's by personal choice, I've already imprinted on Nessie and I can wait six or seven years. Until then I can just hang out and not worry about anything…. Its not like I'm missing out on anything…..am I? Besides my fantasies about Bella I haven't really given it any thought….cept for yesterday in Home depot when that curvy dirty blonde with the wavy hair, and mini skirt dropped her purse and I had a little visit for my _friend_ down stairs….thank god I was holding that birdhouse making kit, not one of my finest moments…so I guess this grizzly bear was right…..I had to get lucky, and fast! "Fine tell me what I need to know, but if you tell anyone about this especially your crazy haired brother god so help me I will"- " K take it easy kid, I wont tell a soul and you better not tell Rose about this, she thinks I'm giving you the most threatening speech in the world right now! OK so lets get started, first of all you dress like one of those guys on the side of the road. And what's with your hair? girls don't like guys who could be mistaken for them from the back, oh and when was the last time you bought a decent shirt, all the ones I ever see you wear have holes in them, and seriously would it kill you to shower once in a while? gawwd." Then next thing I knew Emmett was grabbing me from the shoulder almost dislocating it and heading for the front door. " Where the hell are we going?" I asked in confusion. "Where do you think!?!…. SHOPPING!!!" He screamed out in joy. " You've got to be joking!" I said in doubt. " Why would I ever joke about that sort of thing, fashion is my life!" I started laughing in my head when I had a realization, _shit he's not kidding_. We went shopping all over town and I fought with him the whole way. Then as I thought the worst had already come he was dragging me into a salon with a bright neon sign that red _Nails, Hair, Tanning_, and _Waxing_ . The last word on the signed popped out at me and then I was screaming. "NO NO NO, SHIT NO FUCKIN WAY, GOD DUDE YOUR SICK, GOD SICKER THAN SICK….THERE'S NO WAY…NO YOU CANT MAKE ME!!! OH GOD!!!!!" " Don't be such a pussy, c'mon do you really think girls will want to sleep with you with that forest growing on your back?!?!?" He said with no doubt in his tone. " Listen to me you piece of ape shit there is no fucking way that I'm going in there, OK? so you can take back your fancy clothes and your Italian shoes, and your Prada watch-wait hold up actually I'm keeping that as a reward for putting up with you all day, God if you weren't sleeping with that white she devil I would think you were queer!"

We were walking through the front door and Emmett was still going on about me being the equivalent to a women's private part when I turned to him and said " okay Emmett now I don't think I'm alone when I say that today has been the freakiest, and most embarrassing day ever - " " Say no more kid, me and Rose don't wanna be the talk of the town anymore than you do. It'll be like today never happened." Just then Rosalie and Nessie appeared at the bottom of the stairs. " Oh back from the vets already?" Rosalie spat directly at me with a murderous glare. Oh how delightful, I had some new material I wanted to try out. " Hey Rosalie, why did the blond cross the road?" She sighed but decided to respond. " Why" " She couldn't remember where her she parked her car !" Renesmee and Emmett burst into fits of laughter. " Oh, _very_ original mutt." She retorted. _Ah it never gets old…._

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It was after midnight when the rest of the Cullens got back . Emmett and Rosalie were playing chess, I had just tucked Nessie in and I was raiding the fridge when I heard the front door open. I don't know if my subconscious was playing a trick on me, but it sounded like someone - and by someone I mean Edward was humming the chorus to "_dirty little secret_." Bella came into view first and closed the distance between us in one short stride. " Thank you so much Jake, you're the best friend a girl could ask for." "Don't strain yourself Bella, you know I don't mind." " Speaking of minds…. Jacob do you mind following me to the living room?" Edward suddenly asked in a well mannered tone. As if I hadn't been through enough this weekend, but I thought what the hell. I heard Edward chuckle softly. On our way to the living room I was wondering what he was getting at when he started humming again…. This time it was "_our lips are sealed_" . What the fuck was with him? " So Jacob how was your weekend?" Knee- jerk reaction I responded, " fine" "Really….there were no calls about noise complaints?" The talk about noise brought that night back into my mind, and apparently Edward's as well. My face probably looked as white as a ghost because Edward burst into laughter. Great he knew everything. " So when are you gonna tell the others, or were you thinking of sparing me the embarrassment?" I spoke my thoughts aloud. " Well now that you mention it, I was actually thinking about how I would proceed the whole time I was away." His statement left me confused. " What do you mean the whole time you were away? You just red my mind a second ago….. " I may have had a heads up from a very reliable source….." I was completely lost…. Then I finally got it. I remembered the other day when the bloodsucker was talking to Alice on the phone when he was suddenly roaring with laughter. I remembered Alice being able to see into the future, how she could see the path people were on while they were on it….. But that didn't add up to how she was certain that these line of events would occur. And then realization, disgust, and repulsiveness, but it made sense. Rosalie and Emmett supposedly planned to spend the night having such activities, and gave it quite a bit of premeditation…..again gross. But if it was planned, if it was definite, she would see the events that would have followed, like me walking in on them….. And the sheer embarrassment of the whole day….the consequences of Rosalie and Emmett's plans. Which brought us back to Alice having said vision and telling Edward all about it. And here I was thinking Alice and I were friends….. So now all that was left was what Edward and Alice were planning to do with all this ammunition. I wondered If it would be a long-term, on going harassment, or if it would be a quick minute of torture. I was sort of aware of the still laughing Edward standing in front of me. I was surprised he hadn't made it to the floor yet. " Ugh just get on with it, _what are you gonna do next?_" I asked in the same voice and tone a sports announcer would ask a quarterback whose just one the super bowl. He could sense my sarcasm. " Well you looked awfully cute in that maids uniform……." I heard Alice laughing in the other room.

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**Fin~ **


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